Affairs and Polyamory

It is pretty simple.  Most people are attracted to more than one person at a time.  I have heard quotes from films that go, “it’s unnatural to be bound to only one person in a lifetime or marriage.”  I find myself agreeing with this.  That does not mean that everyone acts on those feelings or if you want to give it a pejorative name, “impulses,” but most of us have noticed other people and say to ourselves at least, “ooh, he’s hot.”  What do we do about this, though?  Do we act on our feelings? Do we lie to our spouse?  Do we go to therapy?  Do we hide it as best we can until we are found out?  Do we turn to pornography or prostitution?  Do we blame ourselves, our spouse, or our job?

I know there are women who have made deals in their long term relationships that if their husbands do not tell them about it, there is a tacit agreement between them that their husbands feel like fucking a lot more than they do, so if the wives look the other way, they both can live with it.  Other people say that you should get a divorce immediately if someone cheats.  What do I think?  Well, I often tend to be more enlightened about things, but I am not cheating on anyone right now, either.  I do have a fiancee, and I love him very much, but I am very much attracted to other men.  I have indulged in some phone sex, but I know I want more.  I find that writing Erotica helps me get most of that stuff out, but I think about acting on the feelings I have once in a while.

It is a decision you have to make one way or another, and I would not claim that complete fidelity is the answer, but I would not recommend having affairs or swinging, either unless both parties are open and honest about it and have decided it is what they both want.  As for the woman who looks the other way:  it has been said that many marriages can survive like this, and I suspect it is true. Whatever you do, do so with at least the willingness to be up front about it.  Often, when we are honest not just with ourselves but our partner, it prevents lots of fireworks and misunderstanding.

Thank you,